Here are four tips to get you started on building your conversational containment muscle. For a discussion of why containment matters, refer to Keep Conversations from Escalating.
Four key rules for effective conversational containment:
1. Don’t be a tango partner. The first rule of containment is not to add any new negative emotional material to the conversation—none. Stop keeping score and trying to score points—the key issue is to stop the escalation in its tracks, not to respond to a hurtful turn of the conversation. In the Queen’s English, when someone escalates a conversation, don’t go there. You can exert a calming influence on an interaction by simply refusing to match an escalation with an escalation of your own. Don’t add any new negative emotional material to a conversation that is getting out of hand and you will have taken the first step towards a successful containment attempt.
2. Redirect. The second rule of containment is to get back to the root issue or main point of the conversation as soon as you can. Don’t let the escalation become the new focus of the conversation, return it instead to your original point of departure. If you don’t know exactly what the initial issue was in the first place, this is a strong suggestion for gracefully exiting the conversation as soon as possible. An escalated conversation without a clear point is a conversation to get away from.
3. Remember your ABCs. The third rule of containment is that you are never done containing. There is a famous scene in the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross” where a charismatic salesman played by Alec Baldwin delivers a pep talk to a roomful of burned-out salespeople. Memorably, Baldwin admonishes them to remember their ABCs and “Always Be Closing.” For the health of your closest relationships, you should also remember your ABCs and “Always Be Containing.” The reason that you are never done containing is that the embers of an escalated conversation linger as long as you are still in the conversation—this is the reason for rule #4 below.
4. Get out of there. The fourth rule of containment is that once you manage to successfully contain an escalated conversation, start looking for the exit. Unless you are stuck in the conversation—like if it’s with the boss and she won’t let you go—you want to seek a respectful exit to the conversation as quickly as possible. Don’t waste your time patting yourself on the back for successfully containing the conversation, work instead on a tactful conversational exit at the earliest opportunity.
The first communication competency you should master is containment. Containment will prevent potentially devastating conversational damage and enable you to keep issues at the lowest possible level, where you have the best chance of successfully addressing them.