This is the third entry in our three-part series on questions. Part one covers the essentials of good questions, part two discusses bad questions, and this entry provides strategies for communicating with people who use bad questions pervasively.
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It is essential, when considering people who routinely ask bad questions, to distinguish between harmless questions and problematic ones. If bad questions aren’t bothering you—even if they are recurring—let them go.
Questions give people trouble for many reasons. The other person might fumble questions because he or she is thinking too much about what to ask you, your questioner might be worried about your responses, causing him or her to trip over words, or the other person might not even realize that he or she is asking you unanswerable (rhetorical) questions. Because it is hard to conclusively know why you are getting faulty questions, ignore questions that are faulty but harmless, even if they repeat.
If you determine that you are dealing with recurring bad questions that you can’t ignore, choose from among the following four strategies to curb the questions. You can use any of these strategies multiple times, but use the direct approach (option 4) only after trying at least one of the other options. The direct approach carries a greater risk of a sensitive follow-on conversation, so use it sparingly.
Option 1: Don’t answer. No matter what the underlying reason for a bad question, you never have to answer. Even when your boss asks a faulty question, you have the option of not answering. (Since clamming up for the boss isn’t risk free, you should almost certainly try option #2 or #3 first.) For everyone else, just say no to bad questions by not answering them. Some faulty questions will start disappearing when you stop answering.
Option 2: Say that the question makes you feel uncomfortable. Gently signal your unease with the question by telling the other person that you are uncomfortable answering it. (“That question makes me feel uneasy, can you ask me something else?”) It’s hard for most people to ask you two faulty questions in a row. If they pull it off, use another option to address the second faulty question.
Option 3: Tactfully suggest that the question doesn’t match the intent. Say something like: “I know that it probably wasn’t your intent, but that question made me feel upset” (or awkward or nervous or some other feeling). People have a hard time arguing with feelings, and suggesting that they had a harmless underlying intent will give them a safe way to walk back from a bad question.
Option 4: Take a more direct approach. Occasionally, nothing but a direct approach will stem bad questions. For the direct approach, tell the questioner that you don’t appreciate the question and give him or her the reason why you don’t like it. For example, you might say that the question makes you feel criticized, that the question doesn’t really let you to answer it, or that the question forces you into a specific response. Don’t forget to give them a (sensible) reason why you don’t like the faulty question—that’s the only way they have a chance of learning how to restate their questions more appropriately.
Use the direct approach to give clear feedback, but not to trigger an argument. It is entirely possible that the other person simply isn’t aware that he or she is asking you a faulty question. The direct approach can sometimes trigger a quick apology. At other times, the direct approach will cause a follow-on discussion. If the direct approach triggers a conversation, your goal is to stop the bad questions and nothing more. Do not dig into the reasons behind the faulty questions—this area is fraught with pitfalls and landmines—just get the faulty questions to end and move on to another topic.