The term conversation stoppers refers to an assortment of bad communication habits, any one of which can abruptly end a conversation. Conversations shouldn’t end suddenly—the powerful force of civility typically prevents this—and when they do it is usually an unmistakable signal that you said something wrong.
Treat an abrupt conversational ending as a learning opportunity because your conversational partner is really doing you—and your relationship—a favor by choosing to stop talking instead of responding to your words with a damaging escalation. Silently thank your partner, identify your conversation-stopping bad habit, and seek to eliminate it.
The most common conversation stoppers can be remembered by the acronym ABCC.
Advice: People hate advice, but we love to give it. This inherent tension creates more distance between people than virtually any other bad communication habit. The problem with advice is that it is almost always perceived as bald-faced criticism, and criticism usually exerts a chilling effect on conversations. Even in the two cases when advice-giving is sanctioned—with direct reports at work or with your children at home—it is tricky business.
Belittling: Putdowns, snide comments, little digs, and backhanded remarks. Whatever you call them, they kill conversations. Restrain yourself.
Contradiction: To borrow a rule from improvisational comedy, don’t say no or otherwise reject what your partner is proposing and you can keep the show going. A conversation isn’t an opportunity to tell your partner he is wrong—it’s an opportunity for two people to talk. The impulse to contradict is a habit that will make you lonely.
Certainty. Certainty stops conversations because it dares your conversational partner to suggest that you might be wrong. Smart communicators won’t touch your challenge with a ten-foot pole. They would rather let you have the last, conversation-stopping word than try to talk to out of your entrenched position. And don’t fool yourself—your conversational partner doesn’t think you are right. She just stopped talking because your sweeping certainty signaled that the conversation was over.
To reduce your conversation-stopping bad habits, analyze every single conversation that comes to an abrupt halt, identify the habit, and make a conscious decision to banish it. You don’t need a fancy technique to stop these bad communication habits because they are so incredibly easy to identify. Abrupt conversational endings are unnatural, and they will consistently point you toward the bad habits that you need to break.
You can’t afford to have people abandoning your conversations. Stop giving people a reason to flee from your words.