People are born with a need to be heard. That’s why the second category of bad communication habits is listening errors. When we believe someone isn’t paying attention to what we are saying, it’s a big deal.
Listening sounds easy; all you have to do is pay attention to what your conversational partner is saying. But with so much competing for your attention—phones, computers, tasks—listening is riddled with challenges. Listening requires focusing on the person in front of you, and when people perceive that you aren’t listening, the conversational connection is threatened or broken.
There are four common bad listening habits.
- Accepting distractions. It is a goofy quirk of the digital era that our communication is often disrupted…by communication. The moment we pause a face-to-face conversation to look at a new email, glance at a text message, or answer a ringing phone, our conversational link is in jeopardy. Even though you might not intend to send this message, glancing at an incoming message signals that you are fishing for a conversational upgrade. Resist the impulse to scan incoming messages or to accept all but the most urgent of interruptions. The conversation you are having right now is the most important conversation of all.
- Forming counterarguments. Protect against the urge to line up counterarguments when you are supposed to be listening. Think less about the points you want to score on your next turn in the conversation, and more on what the other person is saying. Get out of your head and get into the conversation.
- Switching topics. It’s hard for people to believe that you are really listening if you constantly switch topics. Don’t prematurely jerk the conversation away from what your conversational partner wants to talk about; let him have his say before you introduce a new topic. Chronic topic-switchers are perceived to be bad listeners.
- Failing to provide listening signals. In addition to actually listening, people need to feel like you are listening. Provide listening signals throughout your conversations to convince people that you are paying attention. Maintaining periodic eye contact, responding with occasional statements like tell me more, go on, I hear you, or um-hmm, nodding your head occasionally, and incorporating the other person’s ideas into the conversation will provide indisputable feedback that you are really listening.
The importance of effective listening skills can’t be overstated. Effective listening is a powerful interpersonal force for good. Don’t dribble it away with bad listening habits.